Not All Mothers and Daughters Get Along, Part 2

Welcome back. If you missed part 1 of this post you can find it here at, Not All Mothers and Daughters Get Along.

I will never forget that day. The day when my mom hurled insults and made accusations towards me and my husband. I was not hurt at the time, I was ANGRY! How dare she say those things. Well, I was ready to fight, again... and momma taught me best!

But now I was saved and my heart was to be the light and show my mom how wonderful life could be with Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. So I made the decision to pray instead of fight. (So, for all you fighters out there, that is generally a much better decision.)

During this fit of rage as my mom is screaming at me (at the mall and now in the parking lot; I decided it was best to cut our shopping trip short!) I prayed. I specifically asked the Lord to give me His words to defend the Biblical upbringing that my son was receiving and the Godly marriage He blessed me with.

This is what the Lord said, "Keep your mouth shut."

What? I said to myself.

What do you mean Lord? I should be defending what the Bible has to say and the reasons for our decisions.

Again, I kept praying for the words, but He gave me none and quite frankly I was bent out of shape about that! I did not understand why the Lord did not come by my side and speak through me.

As I drove my mom home, she made a piercing statement,

"Jolene, where do you find all these losers."

She stabbed me in the heart with her words.

My Savior, My King and My God handpicked my husband specifically for me. The 'Great I Am' gave me a gift that I was (and still am) so undeserving of.

"I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine." Song of Solomon 6:3

I gently said to her, "You need to stop speaking."

There was silence in the car.

I was at a defining moment with my relationship with mom and these were the scriptures that went through my mind,

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Genesis 2:24

"And let the wife see that she respects her husband." Eph. 5:33

I had a choice to make.

Choice #1- the easy choice. I can pretend that what my mother said was no big deal.   In time, those hurtful things would get swept under the rug because after all, that's how things generally happened with my family, plus, our relationship would stay intact.

Choice #2- the hard choice.   A threat was made that my son could be taken away from me. On top of that was the complete disregard for my husband, our beliefs, and the way we wanted to raise our son in the Lord.

Spiritually and mentally it was a no-brainer. I was going with Choice #2.

Why would anyone allow someone in darkness make decisions on behalf of a family who lives in the light?

One word: Emotions.

I did not want to lose my mom, but neither did I want to live in fear over that fact that I might lose my son based on some false accusations, nor was I willing to have my mom 's opinions of darkness come between my husband and I.

In a moment it was like I was being asked to take sides. Either I stand with my mom so I could continue to have a relationship with her or stand with my husband and the promises in God's Word.

Well, I am 'one' with my husband so there were no sides to take on this one, plus, I am a daughter of the King!

I would be lying to you if I said it wasn't painful to stand on those Biblical precepts and truths, but it was right.

The tears came down my face immediately. The relationship that we finally had was now torn apart.

"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" 2 Cor. 6:14

As I dropped her off, I let her know that I loved her but I could not have her threaten my family, attack my husband and our decisions, nor could she insult him. I had drawn the line and I had established boundaries. I was hoping she would be respectful of them.

The relationship was gone and I cried myself to sleep for many, many nights.

Now, do you remember earlier in the story when I prayed to the Lord to give me the words to say to my mother? And He told me to keep my mouth shut?

Here's why. About a week or two after the incident, I got a phone call from one of my brother's saying he heard that mom and I got in a fight. I smiled to myself and I thought about when the Lord told me to shut my mouth.

Here was my response. "I did not get in a fight with mom. Mom was the one who did all the fighting and yelling."

Because I heeded the words of the Lord, I did not get into a heated argument with her. I did not feel convicted by how I conducted myself. I had peace, which was the by-product of obedience. Oh, if only I could be obedient more often!

Although I established boundaries for my family, unfortunately my mom was not willing to respect them. I soon gave birth to my second son and I have to admit, I was really heartbroken over the fact that she was no longer in my life. My boys did not go to grandma and grandpa's house to play, even though they lived within walking distance from our house. We did not attend family gatherings nor were they at birthday parties and celebrations for my children.

I often prayed to the Lord for restoration. He had me write letters to her even when I did not want to. Soon she became ill and I visited her, bringing flowers and such. She informed me then, that she did not want to see me if she could not see my children, yet, she was unwilling to be respectful of the way I was raising my family. I knew how the manipulation worked. I was raised in it and therefore I would not allow her to undermine all that God was doing in my life, my marriage and in the life of my children.

I would see me Dad often but he walked out of my life about a year later on Christmas Eve. I then turned to my husband with tears coming down my face saying, "My biological parents left me and now my adoptive ones have too."

Days, months, and years went by. I would call on holidays, and her birthdays and asked her if she had a change in heart and the answer was always no. My brothers would then get on the phone and attack me and my spiritual beliefs and then I would eventually hang up in tears.

I paid a price to follow Jesus Christ, but Christ paid a price for me as well. My mom is not the enemy in this story, Satan is.

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12

Because I am God's child,

"I know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

I clung to that verse for 5 years and on my youngest child's 5th birthday, God restored my relationship with my mom and she met my son for the first time.

Perhaps you don't have the best relationship with your mom, please know that I feel your hurt and pain . In fact, as I sit here typing these words tears are rolling down my face. You are not alone. Your Father in Heaven will bring you comfort, peace and healing. Show your mom the love of the Father as best you can. Continue to pray for her and your relationship. Remain hopeful that God will touch her heart.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:2

The Sting of a Christian Woman

Since you are reading this post, I could betcha a dollar that you too, have felt the sting by another Christian woman.  Boy, the knife sure goes down deep in the heart on that one!

Let's read, what I will refer to as, The Stinging Sisters List, shall we?

• Betrayed


• Criticized


• Condemned


• Talked about behind your back- and I don't mean they were praying for you either; most likely they were talking some smack about you and it was gossip and/or slander!
  


• Lied to


• Stole from


• How about this one:  flirted with your man! I am so not okay with that one, in fact, my fists might even come out swinging!  Woman, you better back up before you get hurt!


• Hindered you in the ministry that God has called you to- this one saddens my spirit deeply.  Sometimes to follow the Lord's leading it takes a GREAT amount of faith to get out of the boat and walk on water to Jesus.  He has called you to do something that you do not feel qualified nor equipped to do and now a Sister in Christ has stumbled you from following the Lord in ministry.  Satan LOVES this one...actually, he loves all of the above.

I am sure you can add to, The Stinging Sisters List, but you get my point.

Confession time:  because I don't think I can write a post without being completely honest and real with you.  As I looked back through The List, unfortunately over the years as I was growing in Christ (and still growing), you could find my name written down in several of those sections.  Ouch!

"...for the accuser of our brethren, (Satan) who accused them (believers) before our God day and night, has been cast down."  Revelation 12:10 (my emphasis)

I don't know about you, but the last thing I want in my heart is tear down another Sister in Christ.  Satan does not need any more help in that department and I don't want to be aligned with him.

So, why do we do it?  Why do we tear down another woman?  I pondered that question for quite some time and here were some of my thoughts:

• Insecurity


• Fear


• Doubt


• Guilt


• Control


• Pride


• Competition
  

All of the above actions happen when we are in the flesh and not in the Spirit.  They all have to do with 'self'.  We are often taught in this world to have self-confidence and be self-reliant.  (By the way, there is nothing wrong with feeling like you can make your own breakfast...that's not the type of self-confidence and self-reliance I am referring to!)  It is when those attributes lead to self-centeredness and you become self-absorbed.  As God's daughters we should seek to have God's-confidence and become God-reliant rather than self.

When we take our eyes off of us (self) and we put it on the Lord, then we will not see our Sisters in Christ as a threat to us, we won't feel insecure nor will we have fear or doubt about who we are in Christ.  When our eyes are fixed on Him, then we can encourage our Sisters rather than belittle them, criticize, condemn, and compete with them.

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.  Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.  Philippians 2:3,4 

I'd like to pretend I never read those verses, except for the part where it says someone should look out for my interests! 

I have only scratched the surface with this topic and I want to share more about how to handle the hurt and get over the pain, so look for future posts!

Live a poured out life for the Master,

Her Children Rise Up and Call Her Stressed

Those were not the words that I longed to hear from my children a few weeks ago, yet, based on how I acted, it certainly was a possibility!

Stressed was an understatement.  HI hollered at my kids.  Not only did I yell at them but I also slammed the kitchen cupboard doors and drawers as I went about my business of purging and packing the home.  I was angry and I wanted to pull my hair out.  I exploded.

The enemy, knowing full well of my past, got a foothold of me that morning.

The Lord convicted my heart.  Daughter, your actions are not of Me.  They are of your flesh and not My Spirit.

I know Lord.  Forgive me. 

“Boys, will you forgive Mommy?  I am sorry for yelling and screaming at you.”

“I was being nasty and Jesus does not want me to act this way.  He wants me to trust in Him even in the midst of moving again.”

“This is the path that He has us on and He knows we can go through this.”

“He does not want us to rely on our own strengths but instead, rely on Him”

“I am sorry for treating you bad, will you forgive me?”

“It’s okay Mommy, I forgive you”, said my gentle and sensitive Noah.

“I forgive you Mommy.  Will you forgive me too for not doing what you asked and not helping you?”  My strong-willed, Seth replied.

My heart melted.

They are learning.

I am learning.

My action of rage was not what a God-fearing, Christian woman should be displaying towards her children (or anyone else for that matter).

I still have much to overcome based on my past.

(Deep sign) Oh, my past...A home filled with rage.  A home where I walked on eggshells.  A home where I was afraid to have a messy room because of the repercussions.  I was frightened by one of my parents and tried to avoid them at all costs.  Belts were used in anger.  Plastic baseball bats were used as the parent sat lying in wait to use on young children.  With a boiling temper, books and glass figurines were thrown at us.  Of course we were blamed for all of the problems.

Note: I have since forgiven my parents for their actions. They did not have the biblical understanding nor the God-fearing wisdom needed when they raised me.  They did the best they could and I am thankful for their sacrifice. 

However, just because of what I experienced as a child, that does not give me license to sin towards my children when I parent them.  (Although I am sure Oprah would enjoy me sitting on her couch letting the world know how I was wronged as a kid like the rest of the world!)  Sometimes we need to learn to let go of our past and take responsibility for our own actions and selfish behaviors and stop blaming our upbringing.  Yes, my upbringing certainly made an impact on me but the Word of God is very clear…

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”  2 Corinthians 5:17

God, the ‘Great I Am’ has made a bigger impact on my life than the impact that my parents made on me.

It is who I am in Christ that defines me.  Not my upbringing.

I have become new and I needed to learn to change my old ways.

“Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 3:13, 14

I wanted to parent my children in a way that was pleasing to the Lord.  I made changes and learned some patience and self-control (and I am still learning it!)

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.”  Galatians 5:22, 23

I don’t want my boys to remember this time in our lives as a difficult time where their mother was relying more on herself rather than resting in Christ.

“Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”  Isaiah 40:30, 31

I don’t need to be angry, Anxious and Overwhelmed on this journey, I just need to keep my eyes on the Lord and do my best to remain in Him; in His Spirit… not my flesh.

 "I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.  John 15:5

When I am in the flesh… is when I become stressed.

When I take on too much… then I become stressed.

When I take on other roles… then I become stressed.

When things are outside of my control, (and I want to control it)… then I become stressed.

Even if I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker and I am about to explode... I need to learn to be still.

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!  The LORD of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah  Psalm 46:10, 11 

I do not want to be yelling at my children while I’m telling them that Jesus loves them!  That doesn’t work, it gives them mixed messages.

“I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.”  Galatians 5:16, 17

In His presence there is no stress… only His strength.  

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”  Psalm 46:1

That is where I want to be all the time so one day I will hear, 

“Her children rise up and called her blessed.”  Proverbs 31:28

Here's some tips to remove the stress in your life:

• Be in God's Word.  Be in God's Word. Be in God's Word.


• Be in prayer.


• Worship the Lord.


• Be in fellowship.


• Don't take on too many responsibilities.  Keep life simple.


• Eat chocolate! (smile.)

Yes, our children will emulate us…the good and the bad.  Will they become stressed too?

As parents, our main job is to take our children to THE PERFECT PARENT, God Himself.  But we can’t do that if we don’t go to the Lord ourselves.