Christmas E-Book Coming Soon!

I mentioned awhile back in a prior post that I wrote a short e-book a few years ago on the topic of strengthening your child's faith at Christmas.  Being that the majority of my posts here on The Alabaster Jar are written on marriage, and when I have more time on my hands I write on growing your Faith, I'm sure some of you were quite surprised that I wrote an e-book geared towards discipling your children.  

Although the tagline on this blog has mothering in it, I've considered dropping it several times but the Lord keeps tells me no, so that's why I leave it there.  Anyways, I focus more on marriage and your walk with the Lord and here's why:  I believe if I can encourage and equip you to deepen your faith and have a strong, Christ-centered marriage, then those two things will help you in your parenting.  With a stronger marriage, it'll make parenting your kiddos easier.  Notice I didn't say easy, just easier!  Remember, we're raising sinners.

You might be asking yourself why in the world did I write a book on discipleship, then?  Well, this post will give you a little bit of history on my e-book as well as my writing ministry.

Go now, write it on a tablet for them, inscribe it on a scroll, that for the days to come it may be an everlasting witness.  Isaiah 30:8

What's Ahead?

My leisurely summer is quickly coming to an end, but boy did I sure need a break from all of our constant moves, homeschooling through our many trials, and just the demands of life!  However, we still have one day left of free bowling with friends and a day at the beach with our family!  

Here's me and my baby boy, Noah, as we celebrated his 11th birthday this past week.

If You're Pure or Not, Before Marriage

I was 16 yrs. old when I gave up my virginity.  Yep, you read that right.  I gave it up, I didn't lose it because I made a choice.

Even though the teen-aged boy pressured me and I was scared to do 'that', I gave in anyways because I was more afraid that he would break up with me if I didn't.  What can I say, I was a stupid girl.

I gave up my body because I longed to be loved.  And of course he said he loved me, because that's what all teen-aged boys say, don't they? 

Later he broke my heart; shattered it is a better choice of words.  It was in pieces for years.  And then I became numb.  Numb to so many men, so many 'experiences'.  I even married a man I was never in love with; after all, how could I be when my heart was still in the hands of the one I gave my virginity to. Yet marriage at that time of my life provided an escape for me.

26 years have passed and it still hurts to think about that young teen-aged girl, the one who gave part of me away to another that was not committed to me for the rest of my life.

I Hurt

I have nothing to offer you today, because I hurt.  I can't encourage you or equip you or even inspire you to draw closer to the Lord because my spirit has been crushed.  I know I should be writing my final post in my single's series, but I can't because I'm just empty inside.

As a Christian woman, my heart hurts.

As a mommy, my heart hurts.

As a friend, my heart hurts.

I know I'll never be enough.

I will always lack.

I will always fall short.

But Jesus is always enough.

He is never lacking and He never falls short of loving us and meeting us right where we are.

The Story of My Arranged Marriage

Yep, you read that right.  I have an arranged marriage by my Father.  Oh, and I live in America and I got married in 1998 when I was 28 years old.  It sounds absurd, doesn't it?  Who in their right mind would allow their Father to pick their husband?  In a free country?  In the 21st century?

I did!  Feel free to call me an idiot or one who made a wise decision. (smile)

For those of you that are already married, don't think this post doesn't apply to you because it does.  I have also written it for the single woman, along with women who have unmarried children.

So if you fit into any of these categories, read on my friend!

To my friends that are wives:

This was a hard post for me to write because you are already married!  To some that are reading this, you may have a fabulous marriage and to others, that's the furthest thing from the truth.  Now, I know how we women like to compare ourselves to one another, BUT I caution you NOT to do that!  Sister in Christ, don't go there!  We shouldn't be comparing or competing with one another ever, because all it does is bring hurt and disappointment.  Furthermore, the last thing I am here to do is plant seeds into your head telling you that you do not have a wonderful marriage if  the Lord did not arrange it.  You can still have a marriage that the Lord has blessed.  Remember, He has plans for you that are good, not evil.  Don't be discouraged either if your spouse happens to be Mr. Wrong in your eyes.  God is in the business of transforming lives!  The journey might be difficult and hard as you overcome many obstacles, but in the end you can have a glorious marriage.  In the coming weeks I will be writing many posts on marriage, so stay tuned!  But in the meantime, I wanted to share with you my pre-courtship story.  It will give you a little more background on me and my marriage, which I think might be helpful to you when reading future posts on the subject of Wedded Bliss, (or the lack of).

Also, I STRONGLY encourage you to be an older woman to a younger one who is in need of Biblical direction regarding marriage.  Share with her my story AND your story.  Plus show her what to look for in her future husband.

Now....on with the story!

How can a young woman without the proper Biblical upbringing know how to discern what to look for in a husband?  Those were my thoughts as I headed out on this journey.

For me, I felt with the right husband my life could be wonderful and with the wrong husband I could be living a life that was like a death sentence.  (No need to go there because I already made that choice!)  You can read a little more about that here and here.

I wanted my Father's help; my Heavenly Father, that is.  Surrendering to the Lord and asking Him to intercede on my behalf, for Him to choose my husband just for me.  I can honestly tell you it was the second best decision I made, with following Christ as my number one.

Here's where I was when this process began.

I came to Christ at age 26 with a desire to someday meet my Prince Charming and have the fairy tale wedding that all women dream of.  However, as I dug into the scriptures I soon learned that a God-fearing woman was to submit to her husband.  (I had to do what?)  Not wanting to do that anytime soon, nor wanting to settle for a man that was second-best, I soon became content in my singleness!  (Before Christ, I was the epitome of a contentious woman, with a capital 'C'. There was much for me to learn before I was willing to hand my life over to some man that I had to follow.)

I read the Bible, referencing all the scriptures that talked about a woman or a wife because Godly wisdom is the BEST wisdom to have!  Along with that, I also read a short book called, Let Me Be a Woman, by Elisabeth Elliot which certainly made a profound impact on me.  (And no, I don't receive compensation for saying that.)

I had a lot to learn about being a Godly woman.  I became asleep to my desires of being married, much like when God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep so He could fashion Eve from him.

So, into a deep sleep Adam went while God was in the process of arranging the first marriage of mankind.

And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. Genesis 2:21,22

While being asleep to my desires, I started to grow in the things of the Lord.  Seeking the scriptures and trying to be obedient to what I was learning, even if it didn't feel good.

Soon, I started to meet men (mostly from church because that was the only place I went to, outside of my job or the all-female gym that I had attended).  Remember, I wasn't seeking out the next hot guy that I could date for fun.  I was content seeking the Lord.   Learning.  Growing.  Serving Him.

"But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you."  John 14:26

Some rules that I had established in my mind, thanks to the Lord's prompting:  I made the decision that men had to approach me because I was unwilling to approach them.  Not because I was playing any games with them but because I wanted to start off any future courtship with the man God chose for me with the right foundation.  In God's word it says that a wife is to follow her husband.  So, I felt it was best to not play the game, Follow the Leader as me being the leader.  If the man was interested in me, then he needed to ask me out, not the other way around.

Here's the right foundation:  When married, the man leads.  Therefore, when courting, the man leads.  If the man did not act like a God-fearing man or a gentleman when I first met him, then he soon learned he was not the man that God had for me.  In other words, if he couldn't lead me while on a date, he couldn't lead me in marriage. (Next.)

Also, I would examine their character more so than their outer appearance (even if they were easy on the eyes!)  I wanted to see if they would qualify to the standards held in the scriptures for a Godly man, after all my future husband would be leading me for the Rest. Of. My. Life. so I didn't want to make that decision based on how I felt about him.  I asked the Lord to guard and protect my heart.  To not be deceived by my emotions.

During this time I made a list of character traits along with other things that I felt my future husband should have and then I daily, prayed over the list.

1. He was to be a God-fearing man.  I know that may seem vague to some, but being that I had only been a new Believer for about 1 year, that was the only way I knew how to define my standards.  Very quickly I learned that even though some men proclaimed to be Believers their actions said otherwise.   Watching him is how you can determine his character.  If it doesn't measure up in the beginning...Tell him to hit the door Jack and don't you come back no more.


2. He was to lead-(not rule).  Now that might be an odd character trait to some women, but to me it wasn't.  The reason why is because I was always the one who led in prior relationships.  Most of the men were unwilling to take charge...so I always did, plus I would have fought for control even if they tried.  (Remember, I used to be a contentious woman.)


3. He was to be a man of honor and integrity.  His 'yes' was to be his 'yes' and also, he would honor the Lord by keeping me pure until our wedding day.


4. He was to attend my church.  Here was my reason why. When I first got saved I went church-shopping.  After attending 3 different churches in 6 months, I later found the church where I still attend 15+ years later.    The several churches that I attended said the same message over and over.  "Jesus loves me and died for my sins." Yes,  true statements but I hungered for more.  The Bible is a big book and I knew there was more for me to learn but it wasn't being preached on a Sunday morning at the churches that I had attended.  Being that I did not know much about the Word of God and that a husband was to be the spiritual leader of the home, I wanted my future husband to know more about the Bible than I did because I did not want to lead him spiritually.  I wanted him to take me by my hand and lead me spiritually.  I felt I was most protected, spiritually speaking, if my future man sat under the same teaching as I did.  Plus, I was not willing to leave my church because I was being equipped there.  If I married a man who happened to attend another church....guess what?  I would have to follow him and he might believe in some weird doctrine that I did not know about when we were courting.  (I wasn't willing to risk my spiritual growth in order to be married.)


5. I wanted a man that was just like me.  I wanted his spiritual convictions, morals, values, and resolve to be in-line with my own.  I also wanted his personality and the way he thought to be very similar to the way I thought because I wanted him to understand me.  I know that sounds strange especially when people say opposites attract.  But I figured there would be less problems and misunderstandings in our marriage if we were able to understand one another.  Males and females bring in their own uniqueness just by being, 'males and females'.   We are opposites by nature and that is still a BIG enough difference in my book.

"And the LORD went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so as to go by day and night."  Exodus 13:21

And the Lord went before me...

For single women

Here is a list of ways to discern if the man is spiritually mature enough or not to be your future husband.  (I am sure more could be added to this list.)

• Are they passionate about their relationship with Jesus Christ?


• Do  they attend church even if you can't make it for some reason?


• Are they daily reading God's Word?


• Do they initiate spiritual conversations with you or others?


• Do they complement your character, virtues or just your outer beauty?  If he is a God-fearing man, then he will be looking for Godly attributes in you. 

Watch for some of the 'Red flags,' that are listed below.  If he is not the man God has chosen for you, these will surface, either when you are just getting to know him or when the relationship is just beginning to develop.  Be alert and pray for discernment.  And if ANY of these come up, run away from him as fast as you can before your emotions get the better of you!

• He makes continual poor choices or decisions that you do not respect.  (This will continue in marriage and it will make it extremely hard for you to respect him.)


• He has his hands all over you.  Obviously entering into a physical relationship too soon is a big fat no-no!  What I mean by a physical relationship is lots of kissing, embracing, touching.  In this instance, I am not referring to the act of marriage (s*x).  That time is only reserved for a husband and wife.


• He only complements your outer appearance, personality or things the two of you have in common, yet never refers to your heart for the Lord because that is not important to him.  (For some married women, they have this issue in their marriage and the result:  their husbands do not like it when they are serving Christ.)


• He only talks about the Lord when you bring Christ up in your conversation.


• You have become his 'girl' way too soon.  (After all, you can't even remember his last name!)  He becomes possessive of you or is extremely jealous.  (There are insecurity issues with him!)


• He is calling you all the time.  (Didn't he have a life before he met you?)


• You have become the center of his life rather than Jesus Christ being the center of his.  (This will show you real quick if Jesus Christ is really the Lord of his life.)

If there are any 'Red Flags' surfacing at the onset of your time with him, this is NOT God's best for you!

Things I did so my Heavenly Father could arrange my marriage:

1. I surrendered and prayed for the Lord to choose my husband.  Seeing how God is a lot smarter than I am, I decided to let Him make the decision.  (I knew I would mess it up and lead with my heart rather than have the decision Spirit-led.)


2. I was content in my singleness.


3. During my singleness, I sought to grow in the things of the Lord, becoming the Godly woman that a Godly man desired.  (That's a big key ladies!)


4. I made a God-fearing list and prayed over it so I knew what to look for when the Lord brought the man to me.


5. I prayed for discernment and for the Lord to open my eyes to see any 'Red Flags'.


6. I prayed for the Lord to protect my heart so I would not make a decision based on my emotions.


7. I prayed for the Lord to keep my passionate feelings to a minimum so as not to cloud my vision.

For Parents

You can take all of these thoughts and concepts and teach them to your daughters (and sons).  Since I only have sons, my husband and I teach many of these ideas and principles to our boys and they are only 10 and 12 years old!  (Obviously, for boys you will add to the list to teach them to lookout for the 'immoral woman' as well as other things.)

So, in closing, did my Father deliver when I surrendered my life to Him...in the choosing of my husband?  Did He give me a God-fearing husband?  One that matched the list?

You bet He did!  He blew me away with His choice, but funny thing about it was I was rather shocked and surprised by who He picked.

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."  Ephesians 3:20,21

You can read about my courtship and engagement post called, This is Not Your Typical Love Story.

Live a poured out life for the Master,

I am linked up with:

Her Children Rise Up and Call Her Stressed

Those were not the words that I longed to hear from my children a few weeks ago, yet, based on how I acted, it certainly was a possibility!

Stressed was an understatement.  HI hollered at my kids.  Not only did I yell at them but I also slammed the kitchen cupboard doors and drawers as I went about my business of purging and packing the home.  I was angry and I wanted to pull my hair out.  I exploded.

The enemy, knowing full well of my past, got a foothold of me that morning.

The Lord convicted my heart.  Daughter, your actions are not of Me.  They are of your flesh and not My Spirit.

I know Lord.  Forgive me. 

“Boys, will you forgive Mommy?  I am sorry for yelling and screaming at you.”

“I was being nasty and Jesus does not want me to act this way.  He wants me to trust in Him even in the midst of moving again.”

“This is the path that He has us on and He knows we can go through this.”

“He does not want us to rely on our own strengths but instead, rely on Him”

“I am sorry for treating you bad, will you forgive me?”

“It’s okay Mommy, I forgive you”, said my gentle and sensitive Noah.

“I forgive you Mommy.  Will you forgive me too for not doing what you asked and not helping you?”  My strong-willed, Seth replied.

My heart melted.

They are learning.

I am learning.

My action of rage was not what a God-fearing, Christian woman should be displaying towards her children (or anyone else for that matter).

I still have much to overcome based on my past.

(Deep sign) Oh, my past...A home filled with rage.  A home where I walked on eggshells.  A home where I was afraid to have a messy room because of the repercussions.  I was frightened by one of my parents and tried to avoid them at all costs.  Belts were used in anger.  Plastic baseball bats were used as the parent sat lying in wait to use on young children.  With a boiling temper, books and glass figurines were thrown at us.  Of course we were blamed for all of the problems.

Note: I have since forgiven my parents for their actions. They did not have the biblical understanding nor the God-fearing wisdom needed when they raised me.  They did the best they could and I am thankful for their sacrifice. 

However, just because of what I experienced as a child, that does not give me license to sin towards my children when I parent them.  (Although I am sure Oprah would enjoy me sitting on her couch letting the world know how I was wronged as a kid like the rest of the world!)  Sometimes we need to learn to let go of our past and take responsibility for our own actions and selfish behaviors and stop blaming our upbringing.  Yes, my upbringing certainly made an impact on me but the Word of God is very clear…

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”  2 Corinthians 5:17

God, the ‘Great I Am’ has made a bigger impact on my life than the impact that my parents made on me.

It is who I am in Christ that defines me.  Not my upbringing.

I have become new and I needed to learn to change my old ways.

“Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 3:13, 14

I wanted to parent my children in a way that was pleasing to the Lord.  I made changes and learned some patience and self-control (and I am still learning it!)

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.”  Galatians 5:22, 23

I don’t want my boys to remember this time in our lives as a difficult time where their mother was relying more on herself rather than resting in Christ.

“Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”  Isaiah 40:30, 31

I don’t need to be angry, Anxious and Overwhelmed on this journey, I just need to keep my eyes on the Lord and do my best to remain in Him; in His Spirit… not my flesh.

 "I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.  John 15:5

When I am in the flesh… is when I become stressed.

When I take on too much… then I become stressed.

When I take on other roles… then I become stressed.

When things are outside of my control, (and I want to control it)… then I become stressed.

Even if I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker and I am about to explode... I need to learn to be still.

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!  The LORD of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah  Psalm 46:10, 11 

I do not want to be yelling at my children while I’m telling them that Jesus loves them!  That doesn’t work, it gives them mixed messages.

“I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.”  Galatians 5:16, 17

In His presence there is no stress… only His strength.  

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”  Psalm 46:1

That is where I want to be all the time so one day I will hear, 

“Her children rise up and called her blessed.”  Proverbs 31:28

Here's some tips to remove the stress in your life:

• Be in God's Word.  Be in God's Word. Be in God's Word.


• Be in prayer.


• Worship the Lord.


• Be in fellowship.


• Don't take on too many responsibilities.  Keep life simple.


• Eat chocolate! (smile.)

Yes, our children will emulate us…the good and the bad.  Will they become stressed too?

As parents, our main job is to take our children to THE PERFECT PARENT, God Himself.  But we can’t do that if we don’t go to the Lord ourselves.