Are You More Like His Mother or His Lover?

The need to control.  That's what we do as wives.

It's our flesh seeping out and if we can't get it under control, then our marital oneness will start to erode.

And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.  Genesis 3:16 (NLT)

Here's what mothering our men looks like:

We tell him he doesn't know how to parent, how to handle finances, how to lead the family, or even how to buy groceries!  Don't believe me on this?  Take a look around at our society and you'll see how we're being conditioned by the world as they tell us that men are a bunch of idiots, completely incompetent to handle even the smallest tasks.

Can you just let things go and enjoy the man you married?

Continue reading here where I'm guest posting today at Unveiled Wife!

Live a poured out life for Christ,

Did you enjoy reading The Alabaster Jar?

To receive future posts you can subscribe via email and Facebook.

The Discouraging Wife

13 Wives in 13 Days....Wives of the Bible

Wife #2

She faced a lot of trials.

She lost her possessions, her cattle, wealth, home and even her children.  And then her husband fell ill.

This couple lived through some depressing times.

In spite of all their horrendous trials, her husband did his best to follow the Lord.

A Godly man he was, yet, she didn't care too much about that.

So who is she?

She's Job's wife.

The Wife of Influence

13 Wives in 13 Days....Wives of the Bible Series

Wife #1

She frustrates me to no end.

I know no one is perfect, but come on now, when was the last time you took counsel from a.....

Snake!  Really, a snake?

This woman needs no introduction because we all know she is Eve.

She's THE woman who caused the fall of mankind because she was deceived.

But the LORD God warned him, "You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden—except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die." Genesis 2:16,17

Your Marriage is Your First Ministry & a Link Up!

I recently received an email from a reader asking me for some advice that I'd like to share with you as well.
  

Dear Jolene,
How do I balance being a wife at the same time while serving in the church as a leader?   Keep in mind, my husband isn't saved yet. We normally have differences & at times I feel like resigning.   What should I do?

I'm so glad this reader wrote in and asked this question because this issue needs to be addressed and in a big way!  Many marriages are crumbling because Godly women are gone from the home and serving in the Church.  Their men have been left to fend for themselves on a constant basis.  A marriage should not be like this, nor would Jesus be too pleased if the marriage is being forsaken so outside ministry can take place.

So this response is to all wives, whether one's husband is saved or not.  Also, if you're involved in outside ministry but you don't hold a position of leadership, the counsel given here is designed to give you clarity regarding your Godly priorities.

How to Obtain Financial Security...and a Marital Oneness Monday Link Up!

I stood in the kitchen that afternoon preparing dinner as usual when my man and I were discussing our current financial dilemma...  Our problem of the day?  We couldn't afford to pay our rent.  It wasn't as if we were out spending money left and right because that certainly wasn't the case.  The problem was his income wasn't enough.  Actually, that's putting it nicely.  He was more like unemployed rather than self-employed.

Then he asked me something that I'll never forget.

"Don't you ever long for stability?"

Well, I laughed at his question and then I responded directly to him.

"No offense, but I gave up on looking to you for financial stability a long time ago.  It's the Lord I seek the financial stability from and I already have it.  In fact, our life couldn't get any more stable because it's built on a Rock!"  (Of course through the world's eyes if one were to look at our dire financial situation they'd think we were a bunch of religious fanatics.  Well, they'd be almost right, however, I prefer the term, "Jesus Freaks"!)

Now I didn't say those words to my man with the intention of insulting or offending him, my reasoning was quite the contrary.  I shared my direct viewpoint with him because one, he's a man and he speaks and hears 'direct language'.  And two, as his sister in the Lord, I wanted to encourage him, challenge him, and remind him to have a biblical viewpoint regarding our financial stability.  After all, as God's little sheep, we sometimes forget that our Shepherd is always with us.  Plus, as his wife, I wanted my Beloved to know that I did not want to add anymore pressure to the weight that he was already carrying on his shoulders.  I still valued him, respected him, and loved him just as much that day as the day I married him.   I didn't want our financial turmoil to define our commitment and love towards one another because I knew if I did, it would destroy our marriage.

If you've missed my earlier posts in this series, you can read Got Financial Concerns in Your Life? and Are You Living in Financial Uncertainty? to see what I've lived through as well as what the Lord has shown me regarding this very important topic.

Got Financial Concerns in Your Life?...and a Marital Oneness Monday Link Up!

Lately I've been receiving more and more emails from wives sharing about their money problems and the strains it has placed on their marriages.  Now of course I can totally understand this concern being that my Beloved and I have lived through an IRS audit, was dragged through a lawsuit, had our home foreclosed upon, couldn't afford to pay rent for the rental home we were living in, and then we had to live with friends.  But other than those few minor hiccups in our marriage, I totally get the strains these problems can place upon your marital union.  Yes, I said minor hiccups with complete sarcasm!

Fight or Flight? Or Vulnerability?.....and a Link Up!

As a young child I cried A LOT.  My nickname was 'A bucket of water'. (Seriously.) After many years of growing up with older brothers I had no choice but to toughen up.  Rug burns and bruises can do that to a gal, you know.  So over the years I learned to stuff my feelings and put my walls up to protect my overly sensitive heart and the result of that was a young gal that was mean and one that fought often.  In fact, I was sent to the Principal's office twice during my elementary school years because of fighting!

The fighting in me continued on well into my teen years and then into young adulthood.  Although I no longer used my fists, instead I used my words, and let me tell you, I would tear people up!

Eventually the crying in me became less and less as more walls went up to barricade my heart.  I found that place to be the most safest, so that's where I stayed.

Then I met Jesus Christ and He changed my heart.  He began to heal it and soften it.  And He started to tear down the fortress that was surrounding it!  (That was and still is a painful process!)

When Your Husband is Waiting to Land His Dream Job

Not too long ago I received an email from one of my readers asking for my help about her marriage.  We emailed back and forth several times and below you'll see her concerns of her husband not working.  Seeing how I have been writing a series on this topic, I thought I'd share her letter with you in hopes that it might help you or a friend who may find themselves in a similar situation.  Note:  this is a long post!

Photo Source

Dear Jolene,

My husband and I have been married for 2+ years, sometimes I can't help but wonder, if this truly is from God?  And if God did not say 'YES' 2+ years ago, is everything too late for our marriage?

We were both believers, met at church, and finished pre-marital counseling by our pastor.  I thought everything was fine and according to the biblical teaching, until later.  When we got married, he was a student, pursuing a MBA degree, not working.  As gullible as it sounds, I did not know it would be a problem, not from the church, not from my own mother (dad passed away of cancer when i was 11).  Growing up, my dad worked to support the family financially, while my mom stayed home and took care of my brother and me, thus projected and painted an ideal picture for me.  My husband's family is the opposite, both parents worked full time, he has a different picture.

2+ years passed...he's finally out of school, but has not found a job.  I had been working, always came home tired and exhausted; not able to do what a wife 'should' do made me miserable.  He is great, the house is always clean, all chores taken care of, meals cooked when I get home, but I am not satisfied.  My heart has grown bitter and there seems to be no way out especially when work has become so demanding.  (There had been a lot of stress:  maternity leave from a coworker, manager refused to hire another, dumped all the work to me.  I had to do a lot of over time and now I am burned out).

Numerous times I talked to him about quitting my job, and the desire of me staying home.  He is not a bad guy, and has tried to land jobs.  None of us had been taught of anything in this field.  Is it my imagination that men should work to provide for the family?

Our Pastor visited today, wanting to help our marriage.  He brought up 'Proverbs 31' to advise me what a wife of noble character should look like.  He says wives need to sacrifice, and help their husbands to succeed.  Is there anything wrong with this picture?

We have been praying for a job for my husband.  I believe if this is God's promise, there is no way the door is not opened..right?  All I can think of right now is to quit my job, rid the burden of making all the payments.  I am physically and mentally exhausted.  I want to please God and be a submissive wife, yet at the same time, I don't know if i can make another day at work.

Please share any thoughts or verses Jolene...please help, I honestly do not know what to do, I'm searching up the Bible, yet my Pastor tells me to sacrifice and give my husband time to figure out what he can do.  My heart hates the workplace, yet there is payments needing to be met.

I was so lost and did not know what to think after listening to my Pastor.  My heart was just not at peace. He did quote that verse, Genesis 3:17, after I told him how stressful and exhausting working is for me, he mentioned this verse, and said, it is a curse to all mankind, meaning I should just accept it, at least that's how I took it.  I asked whether it is a God-given responsibility for guys to support the family, not women, and he said, God did not forbid women to, and reminded me of Proverbs 31 women.

My husband is still a believer to this day.  We were so confused, wanting to figure out what exactly is biblical.  It had been my desire to be a stay-at-home mom (we do not have kids yet, mostly because I do not think I can be a mom and at work at the same time, I just hate the idea of sending kids to daycare, period), but lately I just don't think I can do everything.  I started to ponder, is this what God really wanted me to do in my life? or am I looking for an excuse to justify my laziness of not wanting to work and provide for the family?  I do not know.

In the 4 gospels, Jesus mentioned the Pharisees and how they have placed the burdens on people, of doing things they themselves cannot do.. so I asked my Pastor, how can he ask me to do all these things when it seems impossible to do?  Again, he mentioned the Proverbs 31 woman.  He pointed out that I'm looking more at the situation, not God; that I'm expecting a lot from other people, and how I should look into changing myself, instead of expecting what others need to do.  I was waiting for him to point out what husbands need to do, but he said none, so I asked, what about husbands, they need not to do anything?  And he said again, I'm expecting from others again, and how I need to look into changing that.

There is another couple in the church with a similar situation, except they have a 4-month old.  Dad is not working, mom is working full time.  Our pastor pointed out, that how there is similarity between this sister and me, we are both looking at the situations and expecting from our husbands.  There is a lot of bitterness within that sister too, we shared a lot, but apparently we were 'expecting' too much from our husbands.  It leads me to wonder, if God loves us so much, treasures us, could this be right?  I was searching, but do not have an answer until I read your blog.  And of course, there is always the other side of the story, husbands felt discouraged and all, but we (and the sister) were so exhausted having to do everything we just couldn't afford to care how they feel.

~Vivian

When I read Vivian's letter my heart broke for her and then I was immediately angry at the unwise counsel that her Pastor gave her.  In fact, I was so bent out of shape I couldn't even speak to read the email to my husband!  Now, I realize we don't hear too many sermons on whether a wife should work outside of the home or not, but in all my years of following the Lord, I have never once heard a Pastor discourage a woman from her calling as a wife and mother.  I understand that Vivian's husband was having a hard time finding work....but the Pastor's admonishment to Vivian was to suck it up and deal with your mental and physical exhaustion like a good little Proverbs 31 woman so your husband can........... succeed!  Funny thing is, I've never read that verse in the Bible.

A man does not toil the field so he can succeed.

A man does not provide for his family so he can succeed.

A man toils the field because that is his curse.

And to the man he said, "Since you listened to your wife and ate from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat, the ground is cursed because of you.  All your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it.  Genesis 3:17

A man provides for his family because that is what he is commanded to do.

For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat.  2 Thessalonians 3:10

But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.  1 Timothy 5:8

Nowhere in that verse does it say that a man should succeed before he should take a job and provide for his family!

But, we are naive Christians because we listen to the enemy ALL THE TIME instead of listening to the Word of God!  We get sucked into the lie that we can have things our way and we can have it all the time!  No, no we can't.  There is a price to pay for the choices that we make in our lives.

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.  Galatians 6:7,8

We get caught up into the ways of the world.   We assume if we get a good education then that will most certainly give us a good paying job.  (Perhaps that may happen and perhaps that won't.)  That college diploma does not give us a guarantee of that happening.  And God certainly does not owe us anything.  Look at the situation that Vivian's dear husband is in.  For goodness sakes, he has his Master's degree, yet, he can't find the job he went to school for!

Today, there are so many people out of work.  There are more people in college and more women in the workforce.   The job market is smaller and the competition is larger.  All these things make it harder for a man to get a job and provide for his family.  Yet, one coming out of school thinks they did the right thing and that they'll easily land the job that is suited just for them.

Can someone please show me where it says in the Scriptures that the man will love toiling the field?  And that he'll be doing his dream job while he's at it?  You can't, because it's not in there.  That's why it is called, WORK!  This is not to say you might not ever find a job that you enjoy more than another.  What I am saying is that we won't always land our dream job and we shouldn't go through life with a sense of entitlement because we earned our degree in our chosen field.

Our first priority should be that of being a disciple of Jesus Christ; not about being successful in life.  A follower of the Lord is to be obedient to His Word so it is not blasphemed.  Many believers today bring the Bible under scrutiny by the way we live because our actions are  contrary to the Word of God.

I know a family who were missionaries for 10 years, yet, the Lord brought them back to  the states.  The husband has a heart to be a pastor, however, he has a wife and kids and they need food and shelter, so he needs a JOB.  Today he is working in the banking/real estate industry and it is not his cup of tea, but he is thankful that he has a job so he can take care of his family.  Even though God has not called him to the high calling of full-time pastoral ministry today, that does not mean He never will.  In the meantime, this man is doing what the Word of God says to do...GET A JOB!

It's unfortunate that Vivian's Pastor put a greater importance on her husband's job success rather than encouraging him to take an active leadership role in the marriage and provide for his family; thus the husband being obedient to the Scriptures.  However, the Pastor turned to Vivian and told her to be a better Proverbs 31 woman, while also filling the man's role in the marriage as being the provider.  It was a mixed message and very confusing and coming from a Pastor nonetheless!

I was stunned by the counsel that she received.  In fact, my husband said the Pastor was a blasphemer and he was not rightly dividing the Word of God.  Our encouragement was for the husband and wife to pray together, seek the Scriptures together, test all things by the Word of God, and try another church!

Here's her follow up email to me:

We went to a different church this past Sunday, and was prayed for.  Have been sharing some thoughts with my husband, and your ideas on a different perspective interpreting the Bible, it was a nice surprise that my husband wanted to get prayed for this past Sunday, and asked to pray for guidance & being the head of the household.  He is letting ideas into his mind and allowing the Holy Spirit to speak into his heart as well.  We spent more time praying, reading, it was just a really good time, reconnecting in the body of the Christ.

There must be something God is doing at our church.  The Pastor had his last official sermon this past Sunday, left the church, and is currently taking a sabbatical leave.  There had been a lot going on with the pastoral team, and  he resigned.

And here's God's hand in the midst of our dear Vivian's situation:

My husband and I are spending time together, daily, to read up His Words, it's such a blessing God using this time to bring us together to seek Him.  Another crazy, yet amazing story I have to share!  Since I was so stressed back then with all of the demands at work.  I was doing overtime every day as I handled and additional workload.  I was silently praying/pleading to God one day during work, for Him to come to rescue..and been having suicidal thoughts.. (sigh), thought about taking a leave (thank God I still know it's a sin to end your life).  Upon coming home, first thing my husband told me, he looked at me straight in the eye, and suggested for me to take a long break from work.  I knew it had to come from the same Spirit, for I'm weary and God had heard my prayer... so I applied for a 2-month leave, the company gave me a 2-month non-paid leave.  And God has amazingly met our financial needs!

We continue to pray for my husband's job situation. God totally opened doors thru the new church we are currently attending.  His fingerprints are with us EVERYDAY of the life.  We are completely in awe.  Things are not happening yet, situation is the same, but our hearts were changed, there is hope, and of course, no suicidal thoughts :)

Perhaps you have a husband who is waiting for the perfect job to come his way and he doesn't want to settle for just anything, yet, the bills need to get paid.  Either he doesn't know what the Bible has to say about a man toiling the field and providing for his family, or he does know and he is not willing to sacrifice his dreams or let get of his pride.

What do you do as a wife if you find yourself in this situation?

• Talk to your husband and find out his heart regarding providing for the family.  He may see the Scriptures differently, like Vivian's husband did.  However, as you share your heart with him, he may be open to seeking the Scriptures, praying with you, and getting counsel.  Again, like Vivian's husband did.

Or, your husband may not care what the Bible has to say and he is still going to wait for his dream job to come along.  If this is the case, you are dealing with a husband who has a selfish heart regarding this matter.  He wants what he wants and he is not too concerned about the overall well-being of the family.

• If you find yourself in this situation, you need to pray for his heart to soften and for him to be content for the Lord's will in his life.  Your nagging, whining, complaining, 'see I told you so' type of talk will not draw your husband closer to you or the Lord in this situation.  Let God move in him as you move out of the way.  You do what God has asked of you as a wife and let the Lord deal with your husband.  This is not an easy task because you are living in financial fear, but remember that you have a God who can move mountains and you are the delight of His eyes.  The Lord may take your man through some tough things, but He won't forsake you in the process.  He holds the whole universe in His hands, remember that, dear one!