Why a Husband Does Not Desire His Wife, Part 2

I don't want to write this post.  I don't want to offend, condemn, nor put pressure on any wife that is reading this.  But, I have to write it because the issues below need to be addressed.

Yesterday, I listed the many reasons why a husband may not desire his wife and you can read that post here.  And today I'm going to address some areas that a wife may contribute to this problem in her marriage but before I go into those issues I want to share a story with you.

Let me rewind to about 14 years ago.  Just a few days before I was to marry my man, we met with our Pastor for our last pre-marital counseling session.  The talk that our Pastor gave us was on the Song of Solomon; sex, enjoying your wife's body, and so forth.  He further went on to say how a woman's body will change when she has babies and how our outer appearance will change with age.  He also shared his wife's struggle with her own weight issues that she had had for many years.


His admonishment and encouragement to my man was to be gracious and understanding of my changing body in the coming years of our marriage.

At the time I didn't really understand why he was sharing this information with us.  I was a thin, fit gal who exercised daily.  I had no plans of becoming an overweight wife.  Not this gal.  Nope, not me.  And I was rather insulted by what he was insinuating.  But nonetheless, after all these years I've never forgotten his counsel.

You can imagine my shock and horror when after just a year of marriage my body started to break down with one problem after another at the onset of pregnancy.  I spent years and years with chronic illnesses.  Just to name a few things, my thyroid was messed up along with my hormones and these things caused my metabolism to come to a screeching halt.  Add on top of that I had knee and hip issues that hindered my ability to exercise.

So, what does all this mean?  According to my standards I am now an overweight wife, and boy am I thankful for that talk that my Pastor gave my man!

Now this brings me to the purpose of this post....

If you're a wife who feels like your husband does not desire you, ask yourself this question:

Are you desirable? 

I'm going to spend a bit of time in this area because this is where a woman has the most control over the situation to fix the problem, if it is in fact the problem.  It may not be.  His lack of desire could be any number of the things that I listed in Part 1.

• What's your countenance like?  Are you contentious?  Are you always nagging him, belittling him and criticizing him?  Check your heart attitude because if it isn't sweet and respecting, but rather the complete opposite, this is surely one way to turn your man off.  Some husbands would rather dwell on the corner of a roof top than take their wife to bed.
• What's your outer appearance like?  Are you unkempt?  Did you let yourself go?  Is he no longer physically attracted to you?
  

Okay, dear one, I so don't want to go here because I feel like I'm opening a can of worms, but I'm writing about what men desire.  They are visual beings.  Generally speaking they like to look at women of beauty.  I can't define what is beautiful to your man, only he can do that.  But some men like it when women apply makeup, do their hair, and dress presentably, (this generally does not mean wearing sweatpants everyday and putting your hair up in a ponytail that hasn't been washed in 2 days.   I wish!)

Plus, they like us to take care of our bodies.  Just like women generally like it when our men take a shower so they don't smell, be clean-shaven if they don't have facial hair, and put on clothing that doesn't have holes and stains all over it.  It's the same premise for a man as it is for a woman, only a man is MUCH MORE VISUAL.  Therefore, he is usually drawn to a woman's outer appearance more so than a woman is to a man's.

Now before you stone me for writing this, trust me, I'm your sister in Christ as well as your sister in cellulite and stretch marks! I can't eat whatever I want, I'm not a size 2, and I'm certainly not a supermodel.  If I were all those things, you'd hate me.  But since I don't fit into any of those categories, you and I will get along just fine and we'll even be good friends!

Perhaps over the years you've brought babies into this world and your body has changed.  You can't help that.  Usually weight is added to our frames and the demands of taking care of those little ones is just draining and exhausting.  Add the busyness into your days and it's tough to shed those unwanted pounds.  Don't forget those times that we eat because the food tastes absolutely fantastic or the times when we become an emotional eater because we think by eating that brownie it will make all of our problems go away!

Then we get older and our metabolism slows down.  Maybe illnesses and injuries are added to the mix.  And perhaps you're having to take an outside job to make ends meet or you're caring for elderly parents.  Your life has become difficult and demanding and the girlish figure that you once had went out the window a long time ago!  The pounds have crept on over the years and you can't seem to get them off.  

So here's the deal.....An excessive amount of weight could be a turn off to your man.  Notice I said, 'could'.   Again, your husband is the one to answer that question, if you dare ask him.  I'm not willing to ask my man that question because I don't want to hear his answer!  And asking him if he thinks my butt looks big in a pair of jeans is not a place I'm willing to go either.  If he doesn't find me attractive because of my extra lbs., that would truly hurt my feelings.  So, I don't ask.  Instead, I try to watch what I eat and I try to exercise, but I'm nowhere near the size I was when we married.  But I guess I'm okay with that as long as I'm working towards being attractive for him. 

That's the main emphasis that I want you to get out of this.

Solution to this Problem 

You do your part to have a loving countenance and do your best to have a pleasing outer appearance for him. 

Now, if you're man is an idiot, I mean, not the sharpest tool in the shed, and he can't extend the grace to you and look past your imperfect figure, that's between him and the Lord.  Regardless of your weight, he's to love you like Christ loves the church and he's not to sexually deprive you either.

The Bible is clear on this subject matter.  There is a reason why this verse is in the Scriptures.  God knew what our tendencies would be like so He gave us instructions to protect our marriage.

Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.  1 Corinthians 7:5

On to the other issues from Part 1....

 

Share Your Heart

Let him know how you don't feel desired by him and perhaps while sharing, he'll let you know that he does desire you but he's been tired, overwhelmed, has a lower desire, etc.  If your man is distracted, tired, stressed, over-committed, a workaholic, has a lower drive than you, etc., then plan for your times of intimacy.  I know it sounds so un-romantic, but in the long run it will help your marriage.

Possible Solutions to Possible Problems

Have him see a doctor

If he thinks his lack of drive is related to his testosterone level/medication issues, or he's having performance issues have him get checked out.  Your marriage is too important to not do these things.

Encourage him to talk to his Pastor or see a Christian counselor

In this instance I don't mean a counselor who happens to be a Christian, but rather a counselor who will use the Word of God to help your man overcome some of his problems like:  dealing with past sexual abuse, porn addiction, an affair, feeling emasculated, etc.  There's power in the Cross and healing can take place through Jesus Christ.

For more information on this topic, I've listed additional articles from members of the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association, which I'm a part.  Perhaps what these brothers and sisters in the Lord have shared will help you as well.

Why Husband Doesn't Want to Make Love

Sexless Marriage Catch 22

Sexless Marriage Trap

When He Says He's Not Interested

When He Says He's Not Interested, Part 2



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