Friday, February 10, 2012

I Could've Been Aborted

I’ve never written on this topic before, nor have I spoken much about it, but my Father has an uncanny knack of taking me to those deep, dark, painful places that are tucked away locked in the vault of my heart.  He has a way of stirring things up.  Getting to the root issues.  Ruffling my feathers.   I guess now I know where I get those attributes from!

42 years ago today, it was a part of God’s providential plan for me to be brought into this world, yet my birth mother could have easily made the decision to abort me.  Instead, she made the choice to give me up for adoption.

At just a few weeks old I was placed into my adoptive parents' home; a home that was already filled with their 3 biological sons.  I was the only girl and the baby of the family.

I grew up knowing that I was adopted; my parents didn't keep the truth from me.

"You're special."  "You're chosen."  Were the words that I heard at a young age.

Yet, I still struggled to find my way. I didn't fit in very well.  Sure, I may have had similarities like the brown hair and eyes, but I was clearly different from my family.

Who was I?

Why was I given up?

At age 16, my mother (adoptive) gave me some background information on my biological parents.  When I read about their interests and talents, I was blown away by how much I was like them.   That small piece of paper that I held in my hands said who I was, yet the truth on the page showed two people I had never met.  It was weird, I connected and identified with mere wordsNot  souls, but words.

I was haunted by the fact that my biological mother was 26 and my biological father was 29 yrs. old when I came into this world.  It's not like they were 2 teenagers who couldn't care for a baby, nor was I a product of rape.  Was it an affair?  Too much peace and free love in the year of 1969?

I'll never know why they gave me up, and for many years since I was a young girl, I have lived with the feelings of being rejected and unwanted by my own birth parents.

I wish I could say that my relationship with my adoptive parents was filled with lots of love and acceptance, but it wasn't.  Mom and I had a rocky relationship; we were at odds a lot.  I'm not sure why.  Must have been my strong-willed personality that she didn't know what to do with. Dad, on the other hand, brought home a paycheck and was involved with the boys' sporting events.  That's about it.  We didn't have much of a relationship.  However, I am thankful for the fact that my parents were brave enough to take me into their home and raise me.

Then I met Jesus Christ and my whole perspective on the adoption thing changed.  I realized that God had a plan for me to be a part of their family.

What I didn't know was that a few short years later, my adoptive parents would walk out on my life because of my faith in Jesus Christ. (There's a cost to pay for following Him.)  That hurt deeply.  I was rejected again.  First by my biological parents, then by my adoptive parents. 

How do I live with a legacy of rejection?  How do I not let those scars define who I am?

I try to figure out who I am and who I belong to.  My spirit knows those answers, but I get lost in my flesh, my fears, and my insecurities of not being accepted.

Most of the time I silently deal with the rejection.  Some days are better than others, yet the enemy knows my weaknesses and he goes straight for the jugular.

The thoughts come:

Who am I?

Who do I belong to?

Who am I like?

Who will love me?

Who will approve of me?

Who will affirm me?

And my Father steps in and answers all those questions....

He tells me over and over again that I am His DaughterOh how I cling to those words.

I was bought with His blood; a crimson love.  I'm an heir to His throne.  I'm the apple of His eye.
But now God has me writing this story out.  Facing my issues head on.  Verbalizing my brokenness and clenching to the Cross in the process.

He knows the on-going rejection I face by others is hindering me in ministry.  (And the devil knows that as well.)



Child, you belong to Me.  I chose you and adopted you.  Those are life-sustaining words for me.



Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.  Ephesians 1:4-6


And He calls me Daughter.

But on this day I can't help but think about her, the one whose womb I came from.

And then I wonder...

Who is she?

Is she still alive?

Does she hurt each year the calendar page turns to February 10th?

Does she know Jesus?

Then I think about if she wonders who I am.

What I look like.

If I hurt each year the calendar page turns to Feb. 10th.

And if I know Jesus.


Then, the little girl tears (and the grown woman tears) fall down my face….

Without fail, my Father tenderly wipes them away.

And then, He calls me Daughter.

I belong to Him and He has my heart.  He has a perfect plan for my life.


So today I reflect on the fact that He gave me life, and yet He gave up His own life so...

He can call me Daughter.



Whatever your story and the scars you wear ...
He calls you Daughter, too.


(FYI:  my relationship with my mom has since been restored, and my dad is in heaven with Jesus.  God decided to use me to bring my father to Christ right before his death.  Hmmm, go figure.  Even in the midst of pain and heartache, God's plan for us is always perfect even if we can't see it.)



Live a poured out life for the Master,




Did you enjoy reading The Alabaster Jar?

Subscribe through email or 'like' my page on Facebook to receive future posts.


I am linked up with:

13 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday! Today is my son's birthday too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for your openness in sharing this. Yes, you've had the best Father, just as I had the best Bridegroom, when my earthly one, victim of alcoholism, left me, partly for the same reason your adoptive parents left you: my new found faith in Christ. ("You've changed and I can't live with you any more.") Interesting that I nevertheless got to lead him to the Lord during the year before his death, too. It is amazing how God's Grace weaves through all the human mess. Still. I don't know if your ministry is really hindered, but this post ministers to me, and surely will minister to many who share your sense of parental rejection. God bless.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are right our greatest comforter is our heavenly Father. He does call you daughter and I call you Sister. This world is filled with hurt and rejection but thank God it is only temporary and where we will be is filled with love and acceptance from our one and only true comforter! God Bless and HAPPY BIRTHDAY Sister!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow, Jolene! Thank you for having the courage to share yourself! I know it isn't easy. So many scars to heal and Christ is the only way. I don't know anything about my father - I was too young when he died - and I struggled for years trying to figure out the other half of me. Praise God that you were able to reconnect with your parents and you opened your father's eyes to the Lord before his passing! Bottom line - you were meant to be here! Many blessings to you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. You share your birthday with my son :) When I was pregnant with him 14 years ago, I was told there was a chance based on a blood test that he would be born with Down's Syndrome. My option were to "terminate the pregnancy" or continue on and deal with a Down's baby. My husband and I never for a second considered abortion and knew our son was created with a purpose just like you were, Jolene. Through every trial from your birth until now, God has used you and He has been glorified. He calls us not to be perfect, but to trust in His perfect plan as you said, to love and to forgive. I pray you have a blessed year full of healing, physically & emotionally.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You're welcome Sylvia. I'm glad this post ministered to you. I love what you said about God's grace weaving through all the human mess. Amen to that!
    Blessings to you,
    jolene

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you, Sister! Thanks for the reminder about our pain being only temporary. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. The courage comes from the Lord! I didn't want to write it, but I wanted to be obedient to Him. Thanks for your sweet words. I feel your pain and struggle about your father. God knows what we need and we have to constantly lean on Him.
    Blessings to you, friend!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi Jennifer,
    Thank you for such an encouraging comment! You are absolutely right about how He does not call us to be perfect....so glad about that! It's when we are broken and on our knees that we bring Him so much glory.
    Blessings,
    jolene

    ReplyDelete
  10. What a honest and touching post. Thanks for sharing on the NOBh

    ReplyDelete
  11. Happy Belated Birthday Jolene! Thank you for sharing your struggles and pains and as I was reading I thought to myself, "WOW, you have been through so much, but your story is full of hope as you hope in Christ!" May God bless you and may you continue to feel the comfort, peace, and love you desire from our Father! Thank you for sharing at NOBH! :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you Anna-Marie!
    Blessings,
    ~jolene

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hi Tracy,
    Thank you for the birthday wishes! Your sweet words ministered to my soul- and I would have to agree with you on me going through so much! (lol) Christ knows what we can handle though, and He is all we need. Thanks for stopping by. :)
    Blessings to you,
    ~jolene

    ReplyDelete

Your kind remarks bless me tremendously!

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...