Resolving Conflict in Your Marriage

Today, I'm going to address one of my reader's questions regarding conflict in marriage:

I was wondering if you and your husband could address how you have gotten through times when you did not necessarily agree or feel united together. While I admire your strong marriage, I wonder if you could share times when you and your husband were struggling in your relationship and how you overcame those challenges.

So, has there ever been a time in my marriage that I was at odds with my man?

When we couldn't see eye to eye?

When we weren't on the same page?

When he made me fuming mad?

When he brought this sweet thing to tears?   (lol)

You betcha!

Take two, imperfect, human beings that are filled with sin, put them under the same roof and guess what you get?  CONFLICT, with a capital "C"!

But who enjoys having a marriage like that?  Certainly not me!

So, let me give you some biblical principles that my Beloved and I have applied to our marriage so we can:  decrease the amount of conflict in our marriage,  reach a resolution much quicker so we can remain 'one', and minimize my tears!

Conflict WILL take place in your marriage- expect it!  But this list should help you be prepared to handle it in a way that is pleasing to the Lord.  I've called this list my Marital Manifesto.  It's not an exhaustive list, but rather a starting place.  Feel free to come up with some of your own rules for your marriage.

• If you want to remain in the center of God’s will, then don’t even mention the idea of getting a divorce*.  Nothing good can come from spewing the word, 'divorce' from your mouth and threatening your spouse with it.  You are tearing down your house when you do so and you're giving place to the enemy.  Make an agreement to not even bring up that word in your marriage no matter how bad the argument or situation is.  You may think your life is bad right now, but going outside of God’s will, will make your life even worse!  His word is clear on that.

"So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate."  Matthew 19:6

• Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.  Work out your conflict before you put your head on the pillow that night…even if it is 3am and you have responsibilities to take of the next day.  Your marriage is more important than those responsibilities.  Give your marriage the priority it deserves.  By going to bed and not resolving your conflict, once again, you are giving place to the enemy to sow seeds of discord in your marriage, not to mention a host of other things that you can dig up in your mind while you stew over the argument, I mean, sleep.

"Be angry, and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.  Ephesians 4:26,27

• Choose your words wisely.  Don’t hurler insults because once those words have left your mouth, you can’t take them back.  Yes, your man can forgive you for the harsh and cruel words you said, but that does not mean he'll forget about what you said, what you accused him of, or what you called him.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me...well, let me tell you something about that funny school-yard rhyme:  IT IS A BIG FAT LIE!  Mean words hurt.

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.  Ephesians 4:31 

• Don't allow seeds of bitterness to grow in your marriage.  If you allow those seeds to grow, it will break down your marital union.  You’ll lose the emotional, spiritual, and physical closeness you once had with your spouse, plus, you'll run the risk of losing respect for your man, and that, my friend, is not a good place to be!  Deal with your issues, don't sweep them under the rug.  Be intentional about resolving your conflict otherwise the weeds of bitterness can choke out the love in your marriage.

Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.  Hebrews 12:15

• Be mindful of the fact that your spouse is not perfect nor is he designed to be; he does not fill the role of your Savior.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  Romans 3:23

• Be the more mature Christian.  Try to let go of your fleshy desires and apologize first, even if it goes against every fiber of your being!

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

• Be mindful of Who you belong to and Who you're representing when you have conflict with your spouse.  During your disagreement, ask yourself if what you're saying and how you're acting is pleasing to the Lord?  This one little tip will start to extinguish the 'selfishness flame' real quick in your argument!

For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.  1 Corinthians 6:20

Take the time to share some of these ideas with your spouse.  Ask him what his thoughts are and what you guys can add or subtract from this list to better your times of disagreements. Then put those things into practice when the arguments come.

Here's a hint sweet friends.....the more you do those things, the less conflict you'll have in your marriage and the more unity and closeness you'll have with your man! :)

Conflict in marriage certainly makes life difficult.  Our flesh screams for our rights but my encouragement and challenge to you is this:  Be more concerned about building God's kingdom rather than building your own.

Now, this is just a short snippet of how to resolve conflict in your marriage.  You can listen in on our radio show and hear my Beloved and I talk about this topic in much greater lengths- just click the link below.  We also feel the Lord prompting us to do a Part 2 on this topic so we can give you specific examples and more application for your marriage.  I'll keep you posted here when we finish the taping of it.

*Here's two areas where the Bible allows for divorce:  1) if your man has been unfaithful and 2) if he is an unbeliever who wants a divorce.  A note:  If you are in a physically abusive relationship, please do everything you can to protect yourself and family.  This may mean you'll need to separate from your man.

Live a poured out life for the Master,

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