The Alabaster Jar: The Wife Who Wasn't a Doormat

13 Wives in 13 Days...Wives of the Bible

Wife #10

Her husband was a ruler.

She was fearful of him.

She needed to stand up for what was right.

Even if it meant her death.

Who is this wife?

She is Esther.

The Wife Who Wasn't a Doormat

And the king loved Esther above all the women, and she obtained grace and favor in his sight more than all the virgins; so that he set the royal crown upon her head, and made her queen instead of Vashti. Esther 2:17

"Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maids will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish." Esther 4:16

Esther's husband was a King; a ruler. He was used to getting his way all the time. Everyone bowed down to him, literally. And people were at his beck and call, literally. Life revolved around him and his kingdom. If you approached the King without being summoned you could be put to death. This was Esther's fear. She was going against the laws of the land and she knew she could be killed as a result of this act. But she also knew what was about to take place in the land was even worse; the annihilation of the Jews, her people, and herself.

Esther found grace and favor in the Kings' eyes when he chose her to be his wife. Just like you found grace and favor in your man's eyes when he placed a ring on your finger and he asked you to be his woman.

But in some marriages today, a husband could act like a ruler instead of loving you like Christ loves the Church. If you have a husband like this, read my prior post entitled, 3 Three Types of Husbands.

Now I personally don't really identify with Esther because I'm not one to shy away from confrontation no matter who it is. I'd rather be dead than be trampled on like a doormat. It's just the way I'm wired. However, I know this is not the case for all wives. Some women are non-confrontational and when you put them into a relationship with a natural leader/aggressive man then it can be quite easy for her to start to feel unheard or unloved.

I have a friend who would most likely identify with Esther. She's wired as a peacemaker and one who dislikes conflict. For a woman who avoids confrontation like the plaque, it takes her a lot of strength to speak up. And for a woman who is assertive, it takes me a lot of strength to keep my mouth shut. We both use strength in our marriages but in different ways. Now mind you, the strength comes from the power of the Holy Spirit, not from ourselves.

I've spent many years with this dear woman as I've mentored her. Over the years she's had a hard time bringing up concerns and issues with her man. It was difficult for her to share her heart because it generally led to an argument and nothing ever got resolved. For a non-confrontational woman, this was like death for her. However, she wanted to be heard and she didn't want bitterness growing in her heart. Her man had to learn to love her and the only way he could do that was for her to let him know how she was feeling. After all, men are not mind readers. Since this man wanted to please the Lord, he was open to hearing his wife's appeals. With the Holy Spirit piercing his heart, lots of determination and many apologies later, their marriage is now flourishing. Was it easy for? No. But I can bet you she doesn't regret speaking up and sharing her heart with her man.

Now back to Esther...
Esther used prayer and fasting to give her the boldness needed to go before the King, as well as seeking God's favor so she wouldn't be killed. After she invited the King to her banquet, she used discernment as to when was the best time to have the discussion with him about her people. The King was very receptive to her pleas because she came to him in a humble and gracious fashion. We know how Esther's story ends. The King said to ask up to half his kingdom, meaning whatever you ask, I'll give it to you. I'm sure with a statement like that Esther felt very loved and cherished by her guy. The neat thing about this story is through prayer, fasting and sharing her heart with her man, she helped her husband to love her and meet her needs. Thus creating a deeper level of one flesh in their marriage. She used her influence for good.

Now here's something for you to think about if you find yourself married to a man that acts like a ruler.
Esther had nothing to lose if she approached the King. Either way she would have been set to die. If she didn't approach him, she was certain to die based on the decree that went out in the land. If she did approach him, according to the Law, a person could be put to death unless the King found favor with them. So Esther took a risk.

Now dear friend of mine, you have two choices...
1) You can not rock your martial boat and live with bitterness growing in your heart. (Your marriage will just grow worse as a result of this. I'm not an advocate of this path, by the way.)
2) Or you can step out in faith and talk with your man. But let me give you a warning about this path....your marriage will get worse before it'll get better. Now why is that? Because you'll have to work through a bunch of issues, lay down your pride and keep communicating until your problems are resolved. This is no easy task, by the way.

Here's a simple premise to give you and idea of what I'm talking about....Imagine you haven't cleaned your home in years. Would you be a little overwhelmed at the task at hand? Yeah, I'd say slightly! There's filth and dust everywhere you turn. Well, what happens when you start cleaning something that's dusty? The dust gets kicked up and it's all over the place, isn't it? It's the exact same deal when you've lived years in a marriage where you've just swept everything under the rug so you could keep the peace. Note to a newlywed wife: don't do this! Learn to resolve your issues as soon as possible so you can maintain the love and respect your marriage was founded on.

Okay, girlfriend, start cleaning house, but be prepared for the Enemy to show up with more trash because he doesn't want your marriage to get better.

What to Do According to Esther's Life...

Have the courage to share your heart with your husband even if it leads to conflict. Make sure when you speak to your man you do it in a respectful and loving way. If you can't imagine what this looks like, picture yourself talking with Jesus as you share your heart with Him.
Win over your husband's heart and his trust so you can be an influence in his life. Your man's heart should soften towards you as a result of your loyalty and physical affection towards him. Note I said should. Not all husband's are willing to submit to God's Word or they don't know how. Your conduct of softness and humility will make a much greater impact on your man rather than a contentious, bitter spirit.

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 1 Peter 3:1,2

Challenge for Today

Minister to your man and do so according to his love language. Pour into him without expecting anything in return. You're connecting with him when you do this. And when a wife connects with her husband, he generally listens to her.
If his love language is quality time, then plan something that he enjoys doing and do it with him.
If it's words of praise and affirmation, praise that man up and do it in front of others when he's in earshot.
If he feels loved when you serve him, then make him his favorite dinner and dessert. Go all out for him. Serve it up on a tray and let him watch t.v. while he eats it!
If he loves receiving gifts, study him and find out what are some things he'd like to have. Be intentional about purchasing it for him.
If it's physical touch, give him a back rub, let your hands linger on him, give him a tight embrace and then initiate sex for later on.

Next up in this series, The Respectful Wife.

Now, how about you, sweet friend. Would you tend to be more confrontational or non-confrontational?

This is post #11 in the CMBA 1/2 Marathon Blogging Challenge to post everyday for 13 days in October.